The World Around Me: Brand Names

Whoever Don is, he's left quite a legacy for his progeny.

Real Conversations

Boring Person: I have rhododendron.
Stupid Person: Oh no! How long do you have to live?
Boring Person: Too long.

*Real Conversations are not actual conversations, but actually the mad inner-monologues of this author.

Physique of Speech: Money-Grubbing

When was the last time someone spent their time grubbing something besides money? Is it even possible to grub anything other than money? If only I were knowledge-grubbing I could get to the bottom of this.....

Play On, Words!

Lubrican't never did anything.

If I Were a Comedian: Cheating

Suspicions that my wife was cheating on me initially arose during the birth of our first child. After one of her most painful contractions, she screamed "You did this to me!" The problem was, her outburst wasn't directed at me. She was on her cell phone with Mark from accounting.

The World Around Me: Keys

These are all the keys in my mom's possession. From what I can tell, as improbable as it may seem, they all go to the same thing: nothing.

Physique of Speech: Tickle My Fancy

When you hear someone say, "If it tickles my fancy..." it always sounds innocent enough. Even quaint, if they're old enough. But it paints an entirely different mental picture when you learn "fancy" is what they named one of their orifices.